So it's late at night, which inevitably means that I get more philosophical...
I have been a Christian for 8 years and 4 months; in other words, roughly 3,044 days. Why can't I grasp grace? Perhaps it is my artistic temperament (read: perfectionist). I instinctively strive for perfection in everything. So much so that I won't try anything in which there is a slight chance that I'll fail. I'm afraid of failing. Why? I don't know. For some reason I tie my performance as a human being to who I am and what I am worth. I can resonate with James who writes that "faith without works is dead". Amen brother! I can grasp that. In my head, I am good at reasoning that when I do good things, I deserve good, and when I do bad things I deserve bad things.
But what I just don't get is grace. Grace says that even though we do bad things God gives us good things. What!? I don't know if you're like this, but I'm always looking over my shoulder just waiting for God to scold me. I guess it's like I am scared of God, like He is the great big bad punisher. I'm sure there's a deep-seeded reason why I think like this, but it is beyond me. I guess that I just never measure up to who I think I should be, or who I think God expects me to be. I feel sometimes like I am wasted potential. I feel like I am always asking forgiveness and that I am never forgiven. My laundry list is too long.
Perhaps it is my Catholic foundations. Maybe I still think I need to exchange works for sacraments. Maybe I'm still trying to save myself. Does anyone else feel this way? Sometimes I wonder if others share this doubt. Should people in ministry feel this way? Maybe grace is just too good to be true, and that's why I can't grasp it.
Or maybe it's not meant to be grasped. I just want to feel free. I want to feel free to be me and let Christ live through me. But I feel too dirty. Not for any specific reason, and yet for every reason.
Yet I'll keep running back. The very fact that grace is a possibility is enough of a hope for me. Maybe I'll never grasp it, but I'll run after it as long as there is hope.
There's a song that I have held close to my heart ever since the first time I heard it...there's something so vulnerable about it that I identify with...I picture myself singing this alone in the rain with my guitar. Please click here and join in the song with me...
3 comments:
I think I've told you this before, but I love reading what you write. I'm right there with you. And I love that song too. Mostly I love our God and His grace that is just too much for me to wrap my mind around. Thanks for posting this.
Have you ever extended grace to someone else? If so, then you understand it more than you know.
"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."
As I read the post I was thinking "did I write that?" I often think along the same lines, but seem to keep coming back to this idea that grace isn't meant to not punish us when we deserve it. But it teaches us to live so we don't need it anymore.
Grace desires to work itself out of a job. Maybe we will never understand it. Maybe we're not supposed to understand it, but to let it work in us so there is no longer a need to understand it.
I could be wrong . . .
Dear Chris,
I just got done with the second draft of a translation from German of a great book about "highly sensitive burden bearers", many of whom can be found in Christian service.
Here's a quote:
"Because of their childhood experiences, many highly sensitive burden bearers tend to constantly blame themselves and feel like losers. To compensate, they act the way they think a "good" Christian should, constantly looking for the sin in their lives and making themselves miserable with ineffectual acts of repentance and exaggerated commitment ideals. They hope that these things will help them overcome their torturous inner questions and pain and bring them to a place where they feel secure and accepted, but what they really need is comfort and inner healing so that they can cast off their negative and fearful attitude toward life and live in joy and peace."
The authors are strong Christians dedicated to seeing their brothers and sisters freed to live, walk, love and serve in freedom and joy. I'll send you a copy when it's printed, but you can get started on some of their ideas by checking out anything by John and Paul Sandford about "burden bearers" and a book by a non-Christian (at least she never says whether she's a Christian and the book is written for a general audience): The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron. These books offer a lot of possibilities of how to get out of a useless cycle of self-blame.
Translating the book made me study it in detail, which has required some courage in facing hurtful things and my misguided attempts to deal with them, but has brought me a lot of peace and freedom.
I love you lots and wish you all the best of God's blessings!
Your aunt,
Patty
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